So, I'm sitting here at my friend's apartment in total amazement of who God is. I just had an awesome weekend away at HEB camp with the BSM crew - - - it was amazing. I love that place and I experienced such an awesome, sweet renewal while I was away there. God is so great. I feel so at peace about things that have been bothering me all summer - all year, really. I feel so rejuvenated and...well...better. I love the LORD. I love being a follower of Christ. I love the community and sense of belonging that comes from the family of God. I love knowing that I have the most amazing people here for me at all times.

I'm in awe of the quality of people that God has brought into my life. I'm so excited to be a part of the things that I'm a part of and to be surrounded by people who love God and are following Him passionately. It's just an incredible thing. I love, Love, LOVE it.

And, while I'm at it, another thing I love are my Christian guy friends. They are so incredible and so fun to be around. They make me feel so at peace about being a woman of God, and they're honestly so manly that I feel more feminine when I'm in their presence. They give me hope for meeting an an awesome man of God to be my husband some day :)

The Morning After...

No, I don't mean the morning after as in the reason you take a "morning after" pill...I mean, the morning after a storm of emotions and desperation to get out of my current circumstances. I fell asleep praying last night and had a crazy dream about a crazy adventure that I was trying to hide from my family, but they became a part of it anyways.

That's exactly what this whole San Angelo thing has been, all of my planning and thinking and plotting ways to make it happen on my own, but I've ended up having to get all of their help at one point or another along the way. The funny thing was that my friend was driving the car in the dream and I was in the backseat and he kept on driving through deep water and I was soaked, but every time I thought we couldn't go on, a ramp would appear out of nowhere to save us...Call me strange, but I really feel like that's God telling me that HE will make this happen. That HE has called me to this. I'm just sorry that I haven't been more obedient to Him over the summer. Yes, He's been faithful to grow me and change me and make me more like Him and feel more in love with Him - - - but, that doesn't change the fact that I haven't done what I know I was supposed to do. What I had known I was supposed to do all along.

Anyways - long story short, I went to bed letting everyone else's (as in my parents and a close friend) fears and concerns get to me - I was doubting the fact that I've heard God in this and the fact that I KNOW I CAN DO IT because some of those closest to me were doubting my ability to do it...and I've awaken with a fresh passion and a fresh sense of victory. I'm so excited to see God come through for me and make a splash in the world of San Angelo! I'm so ready to see Him move through me and work through me in just the right way. I know without a doubt that San Angelo is where I'm supposed to be this semester and I'm excited to find out the specific reasons why that is so.

So, you know what I have to say to anyone who doubts: BRING IT ON. God's got this, and I trust in Him with my whole heart.

I need this more than anything right now

I've just spent the entire night re-evaluating my decision to go live in San Angelo even though I'm not going to be in school this semester...well, I did it while sipping on chocolate and playing solitaire, but sometimes that's the best way for me to think and pray, okay?

Well - the conclusion that I came to is that I need this move more than anything. I've lost myself this summer. While I'm in Weatherford, although I'm happy, I'm living someone else's life. I'm living the life that my parents have chosen for me, or the life that my siblings have chosen. Everything I do is dependent on someone else. I desperately need the independence that I will have in San Angelo. I need to be able to make my own choices again and to chose my own activities. Everything I've done this summer has been based on what other people are doing, and I've merely been a tag-along the whole time. I need to go out on my own again, or else I'll slip into this whole world of not knowing who I am again. I'll slip into what's comfortable rather than what's right for me.

God sent me to San Angelo almost a full year ago and I didn't know it at the time, but He sent me there because I myself needed it, not because of the people that I was sent to minister to. Yes, I did a whole lot of ministry, and yes, I saw God move in some of the most powerful ways I've seen Him move in my life...but the most awesome thing about it all is the way He changed ME...and the work that He did in ME. I came back to Weatherford a completely different person - - - and in only three short months I've been slipping back into what it was that I used to be. So I know that I need this. I know that God's called me to San Angelo for His purposes, and that I'll never be truly happy anywhere other than where God has called me to be. And, that somewhere right now is San Angelo.

God never gave me a job this summer because I was being disobedient. I didn't listen to Him when He called me back to San Angelo early. I had a stupid boy on the brain and didn't want to miss the budding relationship...so, that got taken away, too, but still I refused to listen to God laying the road marks that led back to San Angelo...I went along my merry little way flippantly enjoying my time in Weatherford rather than soaking up what it was that God had for me in San Angelo...and I'm kicking myself for that. Who knows how much of God I missed out on by not being obedient this summer??? I feel terrible for not obeying Him!

But, now, I can't refuse the call that He's placed on my life. I can't refuse to move down there and start out on a new adventure. God's called me to great things and I can't wait to see just what they are...and just what He has in store for me this year in San Angelo. (And, every time I type the name of the city I think to myself "of all the places He could have sent me to...why San Angelo?" lol.)

So, no matter who believes in me, and who thinks I can or can't do this - - - I'm following what, after a whole night of praying and thinking, I'm absolutely positive is God's plan for my life!

My Mountain Maker

Last summer my sisters and I went on an epic road trip to Portland, Oregon to see our cousin get married. You know how there are so many "coming of age" movies and books out there - either from childhood to teenage years or from teenage/college to adulthood? Our road trip was the type of trip that inspires those things.

I was on the eve of moving hours away from home for the first time, my sisters were about to get their first apartment in town, and it was the very last summer that the three Crume sisters would be living at home together. We were all facing different feelings and thoughts about the adventures we were each individually setting out on starting that fall, and the only thing we knew for sure about life after that trip was that it would never be the same again - as soon as we arrived home, everything that we knew about our lives was about to change. Now, it wasn't about to change because of some dramatic happening or tragic event, but simply because it was time for us all to spread our wings, take flight, and grow up.

We laughed and goofed off for much of the trip. We also fought quite a bit too and I finally stood up to my oldest sister, giving her a taste of her own medicine - unflinchingly treating her the way that she had treated me for years. Tears were not absent on this trip and neither was an incredible sense of adventure. Adventure that included a flat tire at 2am right as we started into Death Valley, but led us to an amazing little town right on Route 66. It was truly an epic trip in every sense of the word.

Out of the whole trip, though, the moment I will treasure the most was the first time that we were driving up near the mountains of Colorado. I hadn't driven in the mountains in a car in quite some time, and I forgot how absolutely tiny you feel when driving around the base of a mountain of epic proportions. As I gazed up at them I was reminded of the fact that the same God that made them is also the God who cares for every detail of my life and who carries me through all of the major problems and drama as well. I had an amazing sense of peace in the knowledge that God was taking care of me and that He was already going ahead of me into the year that waited for me when I got back to Texas, the year that would change me forever.

Well, here I am a little over a year, one major move, four amazing dances, countless tears, one amazing holiday season, numerous new friends, one fruitless job hunt, thousands of laughs, one dance under the stars, one amazing spring retreat, hundreds of movies, hundreds of hugs, one kiss, one pair of hands held, and two broken hearts later...and I need to be reminded of that very same lesson. The very same God that made the mountains with a pinch of His finger is holding my life in His hand and will take care of everything that's causing my fragile heart to fear...because He is my very own Mountain Maker and no matter what has happened and changed, I'm still his barefooted little princess.

yeah, yeah...I blog a lot. Get over it.

I'm a very emotional person and I always have been. It does not take much for me to cry while watching a movie or TV show. I've cried many times reading sad books, and I wept out loud while watching Titanic at the age of 13. Heck - even today I cried watching a TV commercial!

Today I was reading in St. Augustine's "Confessions" about his boyhood, schooling years. He was talking about learning to read in Greek and Latin and these few sentences caught my attention:


"For what more miserable than a miserable being who commiserates not himself; weeping the death of Dido for love to Aeneas, but weeping not his own death for want of love to Thee, O God. Thou light of my heart, Thou bread of my inmost soul, Thou Power who givest vigour to my mind, who quickenest my thoughts, I loved Thee not. I committed fornication against Thee, and all around me thus fornicating there echoed, "Well done! well done! for the friendship of this world is fornication against Thee; and "Well done! well done!" echoes on till one is ashamed to be thus a man. And all this I wept not, I who wept for Dido slain..."


St. Augustine is mourning the fact that he wept for a fictional character's death while his own very real spirit was dying for lack of loving Christ. It's obvious from the next few lines that he did fall head over heels in love with Christ by referring to him as the "light of my heart" and "bread of my inmost soul." This made me think: how many times have I wept over a fictional movie or TV or book character's death compared to weeping over the progressive death because of sin in the lives of real souls all around me? Too many times, that's for sure.

I honestly cannot remember a time where I haven't loved Jesus - I've grown up deeply rooted in the Christian faith. At the same time, though, I do remember times where I chose other things ahead of Christ. I've chosen to love the world and celebrate the things of the world instead of the things of God. How many tears have I shed over this fact compared to the tears I've shed over fictional characters?

May God give me the ability to use even my emotions for His glory - to weep with those who need it, and also to weep for those who don't even know they need it.

So I just discovered something...

I think I'm finally an official grown up.

(Although, I accept the fact that by having to say that I may have invalidated my claim.)

Let me restate that: I realized today that I'm at very least one step closer to being an official grown up.

How did I discover this? I was talking to my sister earlier today and I said "This thing I read said..." and it hit me just like that - within one day I had three times referred to something I had read or was reading. How crazy is that? When did I make the shift from talking about something I've seen or heard or learned about in school to talking about things that I've read on my own freewill? And I'm not talking romance novels or works of fiction - I'm talking online newspaper articles, classic literature, and ancient philosophy and Christian writers. When did that happen?

Not only that, but I find myself all of a sudden thinking about things on a deeper level. Instead of accepting at face value what people tell me like I've tended to in the past, I now actually think about it, and if I can't come to conclusions on my own I research the subject in question. It's like my brain took a developmental leap and all of a sudden my logic and my reasoning abilities have jumped forward. I'm not gonna lie, it's really weird. Cool, but weird.

Anyone else out there who's around my age that's experiencing this? Or maybe someone who's older who remembers feeling this way? Or am I just weird?

Late Night Thoughts

Is it bad that I've become jaded to goodbyes? I feel like I've gotten to the point where saying goodbye is not nearly as painful as it used to be. It used to tear me apart and now it's just another fact of life. Maybe it's because it was too painful caring so much. Maybe it's because I couldn't stand to be hurt like that again and again. I don't know. Either way - my goodbyes this year at the close of the summer aren't nearly as painful as they've been in the past. I don't know if I'm more relieved or worried.

This summer has been a source of so much growth for me. I've had hours upon hours of nothing to do but contemplate various things about life. I've read more this summer than I read the entire school year! I feel like I've taught myself to think again. Somewhere along the line I had lost that. I took everything I knew and was learning for granted and didn't take time out to really contemplate things and think them through. Seeing as how I was pathetically jobless this summer, I've had a whole lot more time for quiet contemplation and the writing out of my thoughts. I've meditated on God's word and He's been so awesome about opening it up before me. I feel like I've discovered so much treasure this summer! It's been truly amazing.

As I'm nearing the close of the summer I'm thoroughly enjoying diving into some literature from the early church fathers. Well - honestly, I've only read stuff by St. Augustine so far, but it's piqued my interest and I'm so going to continue to read up on this stuff. The way I see it is this: the early church fathers are the ones that were directly discipled by the Apostles, who walked with Jesus through his entire ministry on earth. I figure that the things that they believed are MUCH closer to what Jesus taught and the example set by the Apostles than some of the modern beliefs that are held dear in the church today. With that in mind, I begin my journey into the roots of my faith - I can't wait to see what I'm going to learn!

I've been raised in a wonderful Christian home with wonderful teaching from my parents and my church growing up - I'm firmly established in my faith and love in my Jesus...but, I've decided that it's time I go deeper and start researching things on my own instead of eating only what's spoon-fed to me. I've been studying the Bible on my own for quite some time, but I'm ready to expand my study and read the writings from some of the heroes of my faith!

I'll probably blog about my findings quite often on this blog - so be prepared! :)

My Poetry...

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to write poetry. Here's one of my recent ones:

(UNTITILED)

Jesus, your love sustains me,
Gives me strength to carry on.
You are more than mighty to save
Lifting me when strength is gone

Were it not for your Spirit
Working in my life
I'd be absolutely nothing
Living on in constant strife

Thank you for your hand,
Your presence in my days,
For your tender guidance
I owe you none but praise

You've been far too good -
I don't deserve all you give
Help me to love you more
And for you, my life to live




And, while I'm at it, why don't I include a "psalm" that I wrote as a Sunday school exercise:

Even when I'm far away
Your presence never leaves
Even when I'm most unworthy
You still pursue me, draw me near

I feel so undeserving
Of this love poured out so freely
I feel like I've turned too many times

Everywhere I turn
You search for me
Everywhere I look
You call to me

Like a lion's roar
From miles away
I hear and come -
Come running from my pit

You lift me up once again,
Shining your light on me
Once again I'm safe in your arms
Just where I belong.

Is it bad that I like controversy?

So, a few days ago I was not happy with boys in general. I was thinking about the various ways I've been hurt by boys who weren't thinking at all before they acted (yes, boyS...more than one is involved). Anyways, out of this frustration I posted here and on facebook a blog that said nothing but "BOYS ARE STUPID." I obviously do not hold true to this statement, and meant it to be a funny release of my frustration.

Well - I had no idea the controversy it would create! On facebook I got 11 comments and 5 private messages about the post! Most were guys saying something along the line of "we're not ALL stupid, are we?" or "how rude!" or something equally funny, considering anyone who knows me at all know that I didn't REALLY mean to say that all boys are less intelligent than girls are. The rest of the comments or messages were from girls who were concerned about what horrible event caused me to make such a statement or who wanted to chime in and agree with the sentiment.

Anyways, my point is this: I'm thoroughly enjoying the controversy I stirred up. I had no clue a simple one-sentence note would gain so much attention! Is it absolutely terrible that I'm loving it?

Guess What

BOYS ARE STUPID!!!!

That is all.

God is amazing...no, really!

I'm so in love with God. I really am. He has brought me out of so much crap this summer.

I came to Weatherford and almost instantly slipped into depression and sadness and just let everyone else determine how I was feeling - I took on the emotions of my parents and my siblings, and it wasn't good. It wasn't me.

It took some struggling, and some major attitude adjustment on my part, but God pulled me out of the pit I had dug myself into. In the words of the Parachute band: "[he] called my soul when I was struggling to breathe. [He] made me whole and now [his] majesty I sing." I was drowning in everything that I was surrounded with and I wasn't strong enough to pull myself out - but He called me. His voice roared like a lion and from miles away I heard it - - - and the cool thing is, when God speaks, He also sends His grace and power as well, giving me the ability to respond.

I feel so free now! I felt surrounded and crowded in, and He's progressively pulled me out over the summer and set me free! I feel like my spirit has room to soar for the first time in months! I feel like I could run and jump and laugh and cheer, all because He set me free! He rescued me and came for me - - - even when I felt most unworthy, He came for me! And - more than that, He showed me how He's been working on me all summer; how He's never left me. He showed me His hand in my life and just how much He's done over the hot summer months to bring me to this place.

Even when I'm far away
Your presence never leaves
Even when I'm most unworthy
You still pursue me, draw me near

I feel so undeserving
Of this love poured out so freely
I feel like I've turned too many time

Everywhere I turn
You search for me
Everywhere I look
You call to me

Like a lion's roar
From miles away
I hear and come -
Come running from my pit

You lift me up once again,
Shining your light on me
Once again I'm safe in your arms
Just where I belong.

Impromptu Life Lesson...

Last night I went to the ladie's Bible study at my church. The actual lesson applied more to married women than to single (although, to the teacher's credit, she did keep adding in little tidbits for the handfull of single women in the crowd like me) but it ended up being filed away in my mind as something "for future reference" for when I'm married someday.

As I was thinking about my future marriage, though, God asked me a strange and scary question: "Am I enough to satisfy you? Would you be okay if I were to call you to sit at my feel daily like Mary, but not be a wife and a mother?" The horrible thing was that I had to REALLY think about that before I could give God an answer...and, to be quite honest, I'm not proud of my answer. My answer was "Yes...but not forever." I could sense that God wanted more out of me, but I was at very least honest with Him.

After class I was talking to one of the elder's wives, Cheryl, and I mentioned the little conversation that me and God had earlier that night. She looked at me with her most intense stare (those of you who know Cheryl know how scary this stare can be!!!) and she said "Rebekah, learn the lesson God's trying to teach you well. I am 53 years old and I am just now letting God teach me that He is sufficient for me. If you learn now that He's all you need, then no matter where you go in life, no matter what crap you go through, He'll be enough, and you'll be okay. It won't matter who comes and goes out of your life because He'll be enough for you, He'll fill you. Your life will be leaps and bounds more wonderful than it could be otherwise if you learn that He's sufficient for ALL of your needs...ALL of them, even the need to be romanced."

That impromptu life lesson really hit home with me and made me think. I have a long way to go in learning that lesson fully...but I'm trusting God to not only teach it to me, but to make it a part of my character...so that I can confidently proclaim in truth one of my favorite worship songs:

all of you

is more than enough

for all of me

for every thirst

and every need

you satisfy me

with your love and

all I have in you

is more than enough.

Hello faceless void that is blogger.com! Here I am, writing a blog again. Why do I write so much when I haven't gotten a single comment? Because I enjoy writing. I love typing my thoughts and "publishing" them, regardless of who does or doesn't read them. Tonight my thoughts are scattered and varried, so I'm going to blog list-style just because I can!

• It's amazing how one phone call can change your whole day...especially when it's someone who calls only to tell you that they were just thinking about you. I'm STILL smiling thinking about it.
• I have come to appritiate what I call my "heart friends." These are the friends that no matter how long it's been since we've been together, we pick right back up where we left off without missing a beat. They are the friends that I can let all of my defences down and be completely myself around...and the ones that I know are completely, whole-heartedly irreplacible.
• I have a San Angelo shaped hole in my heart. Every day I long to be there more. I miss my friends there more than I can say and hate the fact that I can't tell anyone here how much I'm hurting because I'm not there.
• Guys frustrate me. I hate the fact that I have to guard my heart so fiercely. I just wish that all guys would be consistant with their actions and their words. Here's a hint for any guys that might read this: if you tell a girl that you see her as nothing more than a friend, TREAT HER THAT WAY, TOO! Actions speak to the heart louder than words do, and a girl will definitely take to heart what you do more than what you say...do us all a favor and be consistant in that way, okay?
• It's really hard for me to be honest with my friends when I know that my honesty will hurt them. I'd rather just not say anything at all and suffer through than cause the ones I love pain.
• Finally, it's so amazing how one act of sweet kindness can reverse months of built up pain. It's no secret that I've been really hurting over various things recently, most of them leaving me to feel really rejected and unwanted...but the phone call I started out talking about brought so much healing to my heart. One of my very best guy friends called just to say that he was thinking about me. He told me that the Lord convicted him about not taking time to show those he loves that he genuinely cares about them and I was the first person he thought about needing to call and let know that he loves me. He also told me that no matter where I am in life he wants to stay connected to me and to always have me as a part of his life. This was so sweet and so needed in my life right about now. I almost cried when I got off the phone because I was so grateful to be shown that kind of love in the face of all the rejection I've felt recently. It was definitely a "go God!" kind of moment as my sister would say.

late night thoughts

So, my life is insane. Absolutely insane.

I'm in this really weird place right now where absolutely nothing but my Jesus is solid in my life. Everything else seems to be up in the air or in the middle of changing. I've made decisions, but I don't know how to follow through with them, or even where to begin. I've felt horrible pangs of anger and hurt recently after discovering that I've been used, but I'm still strangely drawn to the person who has hurt me, and find myself hoping for a message from him everytime I log onto facebook...and it was through his own messages that I made my discoveries!

I'm afraid that I still put on somewhat of a happy face for most people. I'm acting really confident and assured of my life, but I'm not. On the inside I'm shaking like a leaf, scared to death of the next few steps I have to take...yet at the same time I'm sure that God's got it under control.

At the same time, a lot of my relationships are changing dramatically. Relationships with family, even! It's like everywhere I look someone's either pulling away from me or all of a sudden really interested in getting closer...not to mention long-term friendships I've had all of a sudden out of nowhere changing, as in we're relating to each other differently. Some of those relationship changes have been awesome and a huge relief, and others not so much. And...others, I haven't decided if I like the changes in the relationships at all yet.

Anyways...I'm not meaning to complain. Gosh, my entries so far have made me sound so sad...I'm really not. I just like venting to the faceless void of the internet the things I can't say to people's faces in real life.

I am broken

I am broken. I am broken and I am hurting. There - I've said it. It's out there for the whole world to read (although I doubt that anyone will). I've been so good at hiding all of my wounds. So good at changing who I am so that I'm not hurt by others anymore. They call a friend of mine "hyper-spiritual" so I tone down my talk of Jesus in every day conversations so that I don't get that lable pinned to me as well. I get one blank stare in responce to a joke, I never dare to make that kind of joke again. I am rejected by a guy, I pretend that I didn't want the relationship in the first place after all...I pretend like I don't want any relationship. I get told indirectly that I'm not beautiful, so I stop asking, I stop letting it be known that I need reassurance in that area - I let my other friends shine and emphasize their beauty instead. When I ask one of my closest friends if I'm beautiful and she responds by telling me nothing but the things about my heart and personality that are beautiful and I receive her "real" message: no, I don't think you're beautiful...I don't even think you're pretty. And the hurt grows. But do I shed a single tear over any of that? Of course not. After all, if I admit that I'm hurt, that I'm absolutely broken inside, then the little good that seems to be left in me will be even further hidden from others. After all, who wants someone so broken? Who would ever desire to be friends with someone who is hurting so badly? I've believed that it's not okay for me to be hurting because it will upset others...my pain and my rejection would inconveinence those around me so I have to keep it hidden, keep it to myself. After all, I have to prove to everyone that it's okay for me to be here, right? I have to show them that my presence serves some purpose, that it's useful...because no one would want me around otherwise, right? No one would want to be near me for the sake of being with me...they only want me because I point them to Jesus. They only want me because I do stupid things to make them laugh. They only want me because I can take being made fun of with a smile and a reaction that makes everyone laugh. Never mind the underlying pain...never mind the fact that I desperately need to know I'm loved...laugh on, my friends, laugh on. That's my purpose, afterall, isn't it? To make you guys laugh? And when I'm not making you laugh, to offer some serious words to make you want to love Jesus more? To learn from my passion for Jesus? Those are all good things...but, is it okay to want to be wanted just for me? To want people to want to be with me because they enjoy being with me, not the purpose I seem to serve?

Oh, I seem like such a happy person. I seem so put together. But I'm not. I'm hurting...why do you think I cry so much during church? Despite a whole lot of deliverence, my pain and my wounds are still just beneath the surface and the tears come easily because the pain is so real. All I need is time to heal. All I need is tender love from Jesus and the freedom to show my pain.

But I don't know when that will be available for me. I don't know when I'll ever feel like people want me for me...when I'll ever be able to stop feeling like I have to be useful to be wanted. Right now, it hurts too much to let my heart stay open. It hurts too much to be vulnerable and ask people that question out loud.

But, if anyone I know is reading this...know that I'm broken...but also know that I know who to look to...that I know that Jesus, in His time, will come and tenderly heal my heart. I just had to finally, out loud, acknowledge that yes, I am hurting...and that, yes, those hurts do matter. No matter how inconvienient it is for those around me...my hurts matter just as much as anyone else's and that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to pretend that I'm okay when I'm really not.

3:05am

It's 3:05am. A warm darkness engulfs my house and all of the precious souls within are wrapped up in a peaceful sleep. The stars shine brightly just outside my window, competing for my attention with the bright moon. The moon that is ever changing, yet at the same time, steadfast in its change. Outside my window, the bright colors of the day are covered by the cool gray tones of night. The colors that are as still and quiet as the sounds of silence that fill my house. The hum of a fan is the only sound I hear, a constant, steady whirring noise that would just as soon go unnoticed if the littlest other sound was present. All is at rest, all is peaceful.

Except for me.

I'm wide awake and my heart is anything but peaceful. My mind is anything but still. Sleep avoids me like I avoided that creepy guy at Wal-Mart the other day. My screaming thoughts block out the peaceful sounds of silence that my family is surrounded with at the moment. I can't get my mind to stop tonight. My heart is pounding, although it has no logical reason to do so. None of the thoughts that are screaming at me are particularly exciting, they are too varried and scattered to be that, and there is no one that I can think of that would cause my heart to pound so. It is leaping in vain. My eyes are open in vain. My mind is racing in vain, not able to settle on a single train of thought.

Pain is the thing that holds my eyes open tonight. My heart is gripped with pain. Pain that has such a nature that I can't quite put my finger on the source of it...pain isn't even the best word to descripe just what grips my heart tonight. Is it emptiness? No - far from it. Is it rejection? No, not that either...Fear? Nervousness? Anxiety? Terror? No, none of those words describe what it is I'm feeling.

Longing.

Yes, that's it. Longing overshadows my soul. Longing overtakes every sane thought I once had and consumes me tonight. Longing prevents me from enjoying the comfort of my bed and the beauty of the night that surrounds me. What am I longing for, you ask? In a word:

Jesus.

I feel like I'm closer to Him than I've been in my entire life, and yet, I want Him and long for Him more than ever. My dreams are filled with the things of God - my thoughts turn towards Him night and day. My friends accuse me of being hyper-spiritual, but I can't help the fact that I'm consumed by Him. My heart is burning with His fire, and yet I'm still longing for more. Am I crazy? I feel like I'm full to the brim, and yet I'm still pressing in for more...I'm still crying out to the One who has saved me, the One who has become to greatest love of my life to come and let me dwell with Him. You know I've got to be in love if I'm wide awake in the middle of the night and HE is all I can think of.

Excerpt from my Bible study journal

Psalm 15
A psalm of David.
1 LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?
2 He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart
3 and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,
4 who despises a vile man
but honors those who fear the LORD,
who keeps his oath
even when it hurts,
5 who lends his money without usury
and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things
will never be shaken.

This psalm gives a list of things describing the character of the one who DWELLS in the house of the Lord, His holy sanctuary. It's interesting because this psalm sets the standard so high from the very beginning: "...he whose walk is blameless, who does what is righteous." Right away, from the very beginning, that eliminates ALL of humanity in our own power because "There is none that are righteous, no not one..." (That's in Isaiah or Romans or something like that). If that's the case, then why in the world does God give us a list of standards for those who dwell in his sanctuary that is unattainable from the start? Because he is describing the character of one who doesn't just VISIT his holy sanctuary, but one who dwells there, one who isn't in a hurry to leave, one who LIVES there. By what Jesus did on the cross, the power of sin was BROKEN in our lives, and we were brought near...we were given the "okay" to go boldly and directly to the Father. And, because of that forgiveness, and the access granted through the torn vail, we're allowed to stand in His presence.

Hear this, though: you absolutely CANNOT behold the kind of glory found in God's presence and NOT be transformed. So - this psalm isn't PREscribing a list of things that we'll have to do in order to dwell with God in His holy sanctuary, it is DEscribing the effects that God's presence has on one who dwells there!

At the end of the psalm there's a promise: "He who does these things will never be shaken." Why will they never be shaken? Because to have the grace to be transformed to have the character described for such a steady, rock solid life, sinful man cannot simply visit God where He dwells in glory - - - sinful man, washed by the blood of Christ, must make their dwelling WITH God, in His holy sanctuary!

Something like what's described in John 15 - "Abide in me and I will Abide in you...apart from me you can do nothing...if a man remains in the vine, he will bear much fruit..." Much fruit, like the fruit of a life that will never be shaken. Also, it goes on to imply that remaining in the Vine means obeying His commandments, the very commandments that the Vine gives you power to follow. And you show your love for the Lord Jesus by obeying His commands, therefore dwelling with Him. And when you do that, Jesus no longer calls you a servant, He calls you a friend. (It's all in John 15 - go read it if you want).

So, what is a good picture of what it's like to be living a steady life that cannot be shaken? Psalm 91! (Select verses are written here, again, go read the whole thing if you want) "He who DWELLS in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, My God in whom I trust.' Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare...He will cover you with his feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your sheild and rampart. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day...a thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you...if you make the Most High your dwelling...then no harm will befall you...Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name..."

What an amazing promise! A life that cannot be shaken because you choose to dwell with God. And as you dwell with Him, He transforms you into His likeness, giving you His very Character and nature...and with that, you can never be shaken. After all, who would dare come after one resting under the shadow of the Almighty God, King of the universe?

My prayer: "God, make me abide in you. I want to be found in YOU. I want to be noticed as one who makes their dwelling with you. I desire to be with you completely. Oh, to be transformed to be like the one I admire most, just by having the pleasure of dwelling with you! Just by being near you! What an amazing God you are!"

Smoothed out one area, others still rough

I don't know how many people, if any, actually read my blog...but for those of you who read my previous entry and are just dying to know what's happened with the mystery friend (notice I didn't even give away if this person is a guy or girl? I did that on purpose so no one would know) I'll give you a little update. Last night this person called me and we had a long, Long, LONG conversation. Everything was smoothed out between us. I wasn't being over dramatic, either - this person realized how much they had hurt me and how wrong they were and tearfully apologized. I just wish that I could have been in person to have the conversation so that I could hug them. But, anyways, things might be awkward for awhile, but the relationship was saved.

I almost dread coming back from church camp every year. Something major in my life seems to go wrong when I arrive home. This year it was all that friend drama, on top of hearing that two very close friends of the family, a husband and wife, were in a terrible motorcycle accident. Going to see them in the hospital on Sunday was right up there with one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I had to step out of the husband's room at one point because it was too much for me.

The wife is still in ICU, and when we went to see her, memories of the last time I was in an ICU room flooded back to me...thankfully there will be two wonderfully different endings in the stories. She WILL live, but Doug didn't. This fall it will have been two years, and the funny thing is that because Doug had the habit of coming in and out of my life over the many years I knew him in the back of my mind I'll find myself wondering about him and despite the fact that the memories of seeing him in that ICU room and then in his coffin are still so fresh in my mind, it doesn't seem real. It seems like it'll only be a matter of time before he pops back into my life again.

I'm facing a bunch of really tough decisions, and I'm not looking forward to any of it. There is a conversation that I have to have with my parents hanging over my head and I'm absolutely dreading it. But, God knows what He's doing and if I follow His lead, it'll all be okay.

Back From Church Camp

I hate this.

I'm back from church camp and already struggling.

At camp it was all so clear - everything made perfect sense in my mind and I thought I knew exactly what my plan of action would be when I got home...I thought I knew what was going on in my heart. I really don't.

It's like I was standing over a pool of water that looked perfectly clear and as I contemplated jumping in, I planned out exactly how to get this beautiful piece of treasure out of the water...but, as soon as I jumped into the water, the mud at the bottom of the pool was stirred up and the whole pool of water became cloudy and I couldn't see anymore.

I find myself really, really mad at someone and I don't know how to tell them. At camp I was convinced that I was going to talk to this person and make peace with them once I got home. I had decided that I was going to do everything in my power to bring our relationship to a place where we could remain friends.

On the one hand, I don't care what the individual in question thinks anymore and I want to prevent them from hurting other people in the way that they hurt me by informing them of what they've done to make me so angry with them. On the other hand, though, I somehow still think in my mind that I deserve the pain I'm experiencing because I shouldn't have been so stupid as to fall for the game they were playing...and therefore, I don't want to make them feel bad for hurting me because it's my fault they hurt me in the first place. I still love this someone dearly so the last thing in the world I would want is to hurt them or make them feel bad.

How stupid is that? They have hurt me and made me more angry than I've been in a long, long time and all I can think about is how much I don't want to hurt this person...but, the thing is, they've hurt me so badly I'm not even sure if I want to be friends with them anymore!!! I would be perfectly happy walking completely away from our relationship, because all that they've shown me over the last year is that they're perfectly fine without me playing a major role in their life...I honestly don't think they would be missing anything at all if I were to walk out of their life for good. Now, their words tell me otherwise - - - but their actions have screamed nothing but the message "I don't need you or even really want you in my life anymore!"

I can't stand to have my heart torn like this anymore. I can't stand to be so angry with this person and not have any reconsiliation. Honestly, I just want to be in a place where I can forgive this person without talking to them and then walk away...forever.

What do you think I should do? Make peace with them and try to save the friendship OR come to peace in my own heart about the situation and walk away from the friendship?

I'd forgotten how much fun it is to blog!

So, I've officially decided that myspace is stupid. It's only a matter of time before I delete mine. I used to blog all the time on myspace, and then I slowly stopped...and now with this stupid blogger thing that I joined because of someone, I'm blogging again.

Not that I'm complaining. Like I said, I'd forgotten how much I like to blog. There's something so freeing about writing out all of your thoughts for the world to read, and yet, more than likely only a handful of people ever will. So, I know you're all just dying to know what's on my mind tonight besides blogging and the stupidity of myspace.....so......I'll move along to give you a taste of what's going through my mind at the moment:

I'm so glad that some things in life never change. As much as all people change and grow or change for the worse, there are some friends in my life that despite how much I've watched them grow (and, honestly, struggle at times) deep down inside our relationship hasn't changed a bit. And, words don't even have to reassure me of that fact - it's in their eyes. In the warmth of their smile. In the way their voice STILL softens when they talk to me after all these years of friendship. And, it's so comforting to be able to understand them better than most people do. It's so nice to be so familiar with them that I really truly can tell you what they meant to say or what they're feeling by the look on their face. And, I also love the fact that after years and years of friendship, there's still that tender place in my heart towards them. A soft, mushey spot, if you will.

Yes, in a world full of things that change all the time, it's so nice to know that some things still haven't changed. Heck, narrow the focus of that statement - in my lifetime, my affections and my mushieness towards people has changed so much, coming and going and coming and then going again...so it's so refreshing to be around the few friends that my heart has never let slip away...the friends that I think will forever hold a soft place in my heart...friends who can say everything and so much more with one smile and one look from their eyes. :)

I'm only posting because I'm bored

If anyone tells you that a life of leisure is the best life possible, do me a favor and SLAP THE HECK OUT OF THEM!!! I've been jobless since I got home for the summer (I am NOT jobless on purpose, I've been looking everywhere for a job and haven't been willing to settle for food service jobs) and it's been driving me absolutely insane. I've been doing my best to keep busy and be productive, but you know, life with nothing to do day after day gets to you after awhile. Here are some things I've resorted to in order to keep me busy:

- I have read (I kid you not) 15 full size books in the month and a half that I've been home.
- I have cleaned the entire house once by myself
- I have created two HUGE collages of pictures to hang in my new apartment
- I have helped both of my sisters pack up their things and move
- I have filled up one and a half paper journals writing about whatever comes to mind
- I have re-memorized the books of the Bible
- I have memorized an entire chapter in the Bible (granted, it was 1 Corinthians 13, not exactly the most difficult passage in the Bible to commit to memory)
- I have written, edited, or improved upwards of 30 poems
- I have done a better job keeping in contact with friends than I ever have in my life, writing at least one facebook message a day and calling and texting way too much
- I have gone to the lake almost four times in the last two weeks
- I have actually googled and saved to my computer pictures of places I am going to travel to one day.

And that's just the start! I've absolutely refused to turn into a mindless drone who sits and watches TV all day. I avoid turning on the TV like little boys avoid Michale Jackson (Oops - did I just say that? Certain guys in my life are rubbing off on me more than I thought) because I've so wanted to keep active and productive.

But, as time marches on my list of things to do grows smaller and smaller. I'm hoping to find a job to finish out the summer with so I don't feel like I've wasted my ENTIRE summer...it's even harder when I get made fun of for not being a "real adult" because I'm not working!

All the cool kids are doing it...

So, I heard that all the cool kids are getting a blog on blogger...so here I am, trying to be cool yet again. You would think I would have learned my lesson about not trying to be cool when I jumped in the pool at that party...oh wait, that wasn't me - that was that girl on Boy Meets World...which brings me to the real point that I just now decided to make:

How many times have you experienced something in real life and thought "wow, that was just like that scene from _____" ? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, I think it is now my official goal to live my life in such a way that I watch a movie and comment "Hey - that's just like the time I ______" (Blank to be filled in later, lol)

Anyways, that's just a little insight into the way I think. Hope it didn't scare you off too much. I'll write more later! Be blessed!