I am broken

I am broken. I am broken and I am hurting. There - I've said it. It's out there for the whole world to read (although I doubt that anyone will). I've been so good at hiding all of my wounds. So good at changing who I am so that I'm not hurt by others anymore. They call a friend of mine "hyper-spiritual" so I tone down my talk of Jesus in every day conversations so that I don't get that lable pinned to me as well. I get one blank stare in responce to a joke, I never dare to make that kind of joke again. I am rejected by a guy, I pretend that I didn't want the relationship in the first place after all...I pretend like I don't want any relationship. I get told indirectly that I'm not beautiful, so I stop asking, I stop letting it be known that I need reassurance in that area - I let my other friends shine and emphasize their beauty instead. When I ask one of my closest friends if I'm beautiful and she responds by telling me nothing but the things about my heart and personality that are beautiful and I receive her "real" message: no, I don't think you're beautiful...I don't even think you're pretty. And the hurt grows. But do I shed a single tear over any of that? Of course not. After all, if I admit that I'm hurt, that I'm absolutely broken inside, then the little good that seems to be left in me will be even further hidden from others. After all, who wants someone so broken? Who would ever desire to be friends with someone who is hurting so badly? I've believed that it's not okay for me to be hurting because it will upset others...my pain and my rejection would inconveinence those around me so I have to keep it hidden, keep it to myself. After all, I have to prove to everyone that it's okay for me to be here, right? I have to show them that my presence serves some purpose, that it's useful...because no one would want me around otherwise, right? No one would want to be near me for the sake of being with me...they only want me because I point them to Jesus. They only want me because I do stupid things to make them laugh. They only want me because I can take being made fun of with a smile and a reaction that makes everyone laugh. Never mind the underlying pain...never mind the fact that I desperately need to know I'm loved...laugh on, my friends, laugh on. That's my purpose, afterall, isn't it? To make you guys laugh? And when I'm not making you laugh, to offer some serious words to make you want to love Jesus more? To learn from my passion for Jesus? Those are all good things...but, is it okay to want to be wanted just for me? To want people to want to be with me because they enjoy being with me, not the purpose I seem to serve?

Oh, I seem like such a happy person. I seem so put together. But I'm not. I'm hurting...why do you think I cry so much during church? Despite a whole lot of deliverence, my pain and my wounds are still just beneath the surface and the tears come easily because the pain is so real. All I need is time to heal. All I need is tender love from Jesus and the freedom to show my pain.

But I don't know when that will be available for me. I don't know when I'll ever feel like people want me for me...when I'll ever be able to stop feeling like I have to be useful to be wanted. Right now, it hurts too much to let my heart stay open. It hurts too much to be vulnerable and ask people that question out loud.

But, if anyone I know is reading this...know that I'm broken...but also know that I know who to look to...that I know that Jesus, in His time, will come and tenderly heal my heart. I just had to finally, out loud, acknowledge that yes, I am hurting...and that, yes, those hurts do matter. No matter how inconvienient it is for those around me...my hurts matter just as much as anyone else's and that I don't have to hide anymore. I don't have to pretend that I'm okay when I'm really not.