3:05am

It's 3:05am. A warm darkness engulfs my house and all of the precious souls within are wrapped up in a peaceful sleep. The stars shine brightly just outside my window, competing for my attention with the bright moon. The moon that is ever changing, yet at the same time, steadfast in its change. Outside my window, the bright colors of the day are covered by the cool gray tones of night. The colors that are as still and quiet as the sounds of silence that fill my house. The hum of a fan is the only sound I hear, a constant, steady whirring noise that would just as soon go unnoticed if the littlest other sound was present. All is at rest, all is peaceful.

Except for me.

I'm wide awake and my heart is anything but peaceful. My mind is anything but still. Sleep avoids me like I avoided that creepy guy at Wal-Mart the other day. My screaming thoughts block out the peaceful sounds of silence that my family is surrounded with at the moment. I can't get my mind to stop tonight. My heart is pounding, although it has no logical reason to do so. None of the thoughts that are screaming at me are particularly exciting, they are too varried and scattered to be that, and there is no one that I can think of that would cause my heart to pound so. It is leaping in vain. My eyes are open in vain. My mind is racing in vain, not able to settle on a single train of thought.

Pain is the thing that holds my eyes open tonight. My heart is gripped with pain. Pain that has such a nature that I can't quite put my finger on the source of it...pain isn't even the best word to descripe just what grips my heart tonight. Is it emptiness? No - far from it. Is it rejection? No, not that either...Fear? Nervousness? Anxiety? Terror? No, none of those words describe what it is I'm feeling.

Longing.

Yes, that's it. Longing overshadows my soul. Longing overtakes every sane thought I once had and consumes me tonight. Longing prevents me from enjoying the comfort of my bed and the beauty of the night that surrounds me. What am I longing for, you ask? In a word:

Jesus.

I feel like I'm closer to Him than I've been in my entire life, and yet, I want Him and long for Him more than ever. My dreams are filled with the things of God - my thoughts turn towards Him night and day. My friends accuse me of being hyper-spiritual, but I can't help the fact that I'm consumed by Him. My heart is burning with His fire, and yet I'm still longing for more. Am I crazy? I feel like I'm full to the brim, and yet I'm still pressing in for more...I'm still crying out to the One who has saved me, the One who has become to greatest love of my life to come and let me dwell with Him. You know I've got to be in love if I'm wide awake in the middle of the night and HE is all I can think of.