Back From Church Camp

I hate this.

I'm back from church camp and already struggling.

At camp it was all so clear - everything made perfect sense in my mind and I thought I knew exactly what my plan of action would be when I got home...I thought I knew what was going on in my heart. I really don't.

It's like I was standing over a pool of water that looked perfectly clear and as I contemplated jumping in, I planned out exactly how to get this beautiful piece of treasure out of the water...but, as soon as I jumped into the water, the mud at the bottom of the pool was stirred up and the whole pool of water became cloudy and I couldn't see anymore.

I find myself really, really mad at someone and I don't know how to tell them. At camp I was convinced that I was going to talk to this person and make peace with them once I got home. I had decided that I was going to do everything in my power to bring our relationship to a place where we could remain friends.

On the one hand, I don't care what the individual in question thinks anymore and I want to prevent them from hurting other people in the way that they hurt me by informing them of what they've done to make me so angry with them. On the other hand, though, I somehow still think in my mind that I deserve the pain I'm experiencing because I shouldn't have been so stupid as to fall for the game they were playing...and therefore, I don't want to make them feel bad for hurting me because it's my fault they hurt me in the first place. I still love this someone dearly so the last thing in the world I would want is to hurt them or make them feel bad.

How stupid is that? They have hurt me and made me more angry than I've been in a long, long time and all I can think about is how much I don't want to hurt this person...but, the thing is, they've hurt me so badly I'm not even sure if I want to be friends with them anymore!!! I would be perfectly happy walking completely away from our relationship, because all that they've shown me over the last year is that they're perfectly fine without me playing a major role in their life...I honestly don't think they would be missing anything at all if I were to walk out of their life for good. Now, their words tell me otherwise - - - but their actions have screamed nothing but the message "I don't need you or even really want you in my life anymore!"

I can't stand to have my heart torn like this anymore. I can't stand to be so angry with this person and not have any reconsiliation. Honestly, I just want to be in a place where I can forgive this person without talking to them and then walk away...forever.

What do you think I should do? Make peace with them and try to save the friendship OR come to peace in my own heart about the situation and walk away from the friendship?