yeah, yeah...I blog a lot. Get over it.

I'm a very emotional person and I always have been. It does not take much for me to cry while watching a movie or TV show. I've cried many times reading sad books, and I wept out loud while watching Titanic at the age of 13. Heck - even today I cried watching a TV commercial!

Today I was reading in St. Augustine's "Confessions" about his boyhood, schooling years. He was talking about learning to read in Greek and Latin and these few sentences caught my attention:


"For what more miserable than a miserable being who commiserates not himself; weeping the death of Dido for love to Aeneas, but weeping not his own death for want of love to Thee, O God. Thou light of my heart, Thou bread of my inmost soul, Thou Power who givest vigour to my mind, who quickenest my thoughts, I loved Thee not. I committed fornication against Thee, and all around me thus fornicating there echoed, "Well done! well done! for the friendship of this world is fornication against Thee; and "Well done! well done!" echoes on till one is ashamed to be thus a man. And all this I wept not, I who wept for Dido slain..."


St. Augustine is mourning the fact that he wept for a fictional character's death while his own very real spirit was dying for lack of loving Christ. It's obvious from the next few lines that he did fall head over heels in love with Christ by referring to him as the "light of my heart" and "bread of my inmost soul." This made me think: how many times have I wept over a fictional movie or TV or book character's death compared to weeping over the progressive death because of sin in the lives of real souls all around me? Too many times, that's for sure.

I honestly cannot remember a time where I haven't loved Jesus - I've grown up deeply rooted in the Christian faith. At the same time, though, I do remember times where I chose other things ahead of Christ. I've chosen to love the world and celebrate the things of the world instead of the things of God. How many tears have I shed over this fact compared to the tears I've shed over fictional characters?

May God give me the ability to use even my emotions for His glory - to weep with those who need it, and also to weep for those who don't even know they need it.

So I just discovered something...

I think I'm finally an official grown up.

(Although, I accept the fact that by having to say that I may have invalidated my claim.)

Let me restate that: I realized today that I'm at very least one step closer to being an official grown up.

How did I discover this? I was talking to my sister earlier today and I said "This thing I read said..." and it hit me just like that - within one day I had three times referred to something I had read or was reading. How crazy is that? When did I make the shift from talking about something I've seen or heard or learned about in school to talking about things that I've read on my own freewill? And I'm not talking romance novels or works of fiction - I'm talking online newspaper articles, classic literature, and ancient philosophy and Christian writers. When did that happen?

Not only that, but I find myself all of a sudden thinking about things on a deeper level. Instead of accepting at face value what people tell me like I've tended to in the past, I now actually think about it, and if I can't come to conclusions on my own I research the subject in question. It's like my brain took a developmental leap and all of a sudden my logic and my reasoning abilities have jumped forward. I'm not gonna lie, it's really weird. Cool, but weird.

Anyone else out there who's around my age that's experiencing this? Or maybe someone who's older who remembers feeling this way? Or am I just weird?

Late Night Thoughts

Is it bad that I've become jaded to goodbyes? I feel like I've gotten to the point where saying goodbye is not nearly as painful as it used to be. It used to tear me apart and now it's just another fact of life. Maybe it's because it was too painful caring so much. Maybe it's because I couldn't stand to be hurt like that again and again. I don't know. Either way - my goodbyes this year at the close of the summer aren't nearly as painful as they've been in the past. I don't know if I'm more relieved or worried.

This summer has been a source of so much growth for me. I've had hours upon hours of nothing to do but contemplate various things about life. I've read more this summer than I read the entire school year! I feel like I've taught myself to think again. Somewhere along the line I had lost that. I took everything I knew and was learning for granted and didn't take time out to really contemplate things and think them through. Seeing as how I was pathetically jobless this summer, I've had a whole lot more time for quiet contemplation and the writing out of my thoughts. I've meditated on God's word and He's been so awesome about opening it up before me. I feel like I've discovered so much treasure this summer! It's been truly amazing.

As I'm nearing the close of the summer I'm thoroughly enjoying diving into some literature from the early church fathers. Well - honestly, I've only read stuff by St. Augustine so far, but it's piqued my interest and I'm so going to continue to read up on this stuff. The way I see it is this: the early church fathers are the ones that were directly discipled by the Apostles, who walked with Jesus through his entire ministry on earth. I figure that the things that they believed are MUCH closer to what Jesus taught and the example set by the Apostles than some of the modern beliefs that are held dear in the church today. With that in mind, I begin my journey into the roots of my faith - I can't wait to see what I'm going to learn!

I've been raised in a wonderful Christian home with wonderful teaching from my parents and my church growing up - I'm firmly established in my faith and love in my Jesus...but, I've decided that it's time I go deeper and start researching things on my own instead of eating only what's spoon-fed to me. I've been studying the Bible on my own for quite some time, but I'm ready to expand my study and read the writings from some of the heroes of my faith!

I'll probably blog about my findings quite often on this blog - so be prepared! :)

My Poetry...

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to write poetry. Here's one of my recent ones:

(UNTITILED)

Jesus, your love sustains me,
Gives me strength to carry on.
You are more than mighty to save
Lifting me when strength is gone

Were it not for your Spirit
Working in my life
I'd be absolutely nothing
Living on in constant strife

Thank you for your hand,
Your presence in my days,
For your tender guidance
I owe you none but praise

You've been far too good -
I don't deserve all you give
Help me to love you more
And for you, my life to live




And, while I'm at it, why don't I include a "psalm" that I wrote as a Sunday school exercise:

Even when I'm far away
Your presence never leaves
Even when I'm most unworthy
You still pursue me, draw me near

I feel so undeserving
Of this love poured out so freely
I feel like I've turned too many times

Everywhere I turn
You search for me
Everywhere I look
You call to me

Like a lion's roar
From miles away
I hear and come -
Come running from my pit

You lift me up once again,
Shining your light on me
Once again I'm safe in your arms
Just where I belong.

Is it bad that I like controversy?

So, a few days ago I was not happy with boys in general. I was thinking about the various ways I've been hurt by boys who weren't thinking at all before they acted (yes, boyS...more than one is involved). Anyways, out of this frustration I posted here and on facebook a blog that said nothing but "BOYS ARE STUPID." I obviously do not hold true to this statement, and meant it to be a funny release of my frustration.

Well - I had no idea the controversy it would create! On facebook I got 11 comments and 5 private messages about the post! Most were guys saying something along the line of "we're not ALL stupid, are we?" or "how rude!" or something equally funny, considering anyone who knows me at all know that I didn't REALLY mean to say that all boys are less intelligent than girls are. The rest of the comments or messages were from girls who were concerned about what horrible event caused me to make such a statement or who wanted to chime in and agree with the sentiment.

Anyways, my point is this: I'm thoroughly enjoying the controversy I stirred up. I had no clue a simple one-sentence note would gain so much attention! Is it absolutely terrible that I'm loving it?

Guess What

BOYS ARE STUPID!!!!

That is all.

God is amazing...no, really!

I'm so in love with God. I really am. He has brought me out of so much crap this summer.

I came to Weatherford and almost instantly slipped into depression and sadness and just let everyone else determine how I was feeling - I took on the emotions of my parents and my siblings, and it wasn't good. It wasn't me.

It took some struggling, and some major attitude adjustment on my part, but God pulled me out of the pit I had dug myself into. In the words of the Parachute band: "[he] called my soul when I was struggling to breathe. [He] made me whole and now [his] majesty I sing." I was drowning in everything that I was surrounded with and I wasn't strong enough to pull myself out - but He called me. His voice roared like a lion and from miles away I heard it - - - and the cool thing is, when God speaks, He also sends His grace and power as well, giving me the ability to respond.

I feel so free now! I felt surrounded and crowded in, and He's progressively pulled me out over the summer and set me free! I feel like my spirit has room to soar for the first time in months! I feel like I could run and jump and laugh and cheer, all because He set me free! He rescued me and came for me - - - even when I felt most unworthy, He came for me! And - more than that, He showed me how He's been working on me all summer; how He's never left me. He showed me His hand in my life and just how much He's done over the hot summer months to bring me to this place.

Even when I'm far away
Your presence never leaves
Even when I'm most unworthy
You still pursue me, draw me near

I feel so undeserving
Of this love poured out so freely
I feel like I've turned too many time

Everywhere I turn
You search for me
Everywhere I look
You call to me

Like a lion's roar
From miles away
I hear and come -
Come running from my pit

You lift me up once again,
Shining your light on me
Once again I'm safe in your arms
Just where I belong.